This Thing They Call Love

It’s Tali!

Ohhhh Tali! You’ve just inherited a bigot in-lawed family and a toolshed husband! Now what are you going to do????

In her defense though, she was the much better choice over Malissa. Malissa seemed younger to me and a lot less worldly…and I’m sure those white trash relatives would have gotten piss ass drunk and made a fool of themselves at the wedding so really it’s just as well.

I really feel as underwhelmed now as I did a few episodes ago. There was no one to root for. There was no one to feel good about. It was just a long line of whiny, pathetic, insecure women who were either crying, complaining about how fat they were, or crying AND complaining about their fat. I’m hesitant to call Tali the “winner” because, damn. What did she win? Her husband is an insincere, creepy, lame-o with a bigoted father who’s probably the second coming of Adolf Hitler.

Tali, I’m telling you from personal experience: if he won’t stand up for you to his family, run away. If he lets his father continue to be so disrespectful, run away. If you are in any uncomfortable or he won’t put you above the family, run away. Life is too short.

Meh.

I can’t say that I’m terribly surprised, I mean why not choose two huge titted, make-up smeared, perfectly polished women over Plain Jane Mandy? Tali has her ~exoticness and Malissa has her ~boobs. Mandy looked more suited to me for a dude ranch than a girly girl.

Tali is certainly not the easy choice– religion is a major issue for a lot of people, but it’s not to say that it can’t be done; look at her aunt and uncle. Malissa is your blonde haired, blue eyed, apple pie all american (she’s even got the down home, white trash relatives for the perfect compliment); they’d make wonderful little white blonde babies.

Was it just me or was anyone else skeeved out by the fact that once dinner was over he took Tali and Malissa each back up to his room to “snuggle”? The bed with rose petals? The candles and jacuzzi? Honestly. Nothing more about this show has further been able to solidfy him in my mind as a creep-o than that.

Tali freaked out about having to get into the water to go snorkeling. Afraid because fish poop in the ocean, Tali? And WTF at Luke narrating that she had been in the Navy? WTF was THAT about?? My very best buddy was in the Navy and never saw a ship so yeah, I get that. However, if you’re going to go into the Navy you’re going to have a reasonable expectation that at some point you MAY end up on a boat. In the middle of the water.

But in the end, Emme was brought out by her handlers to utter that now all too familiar line, “Ladies, please place your rings in the bowl”.

And then it was just two.

So he picked the needy, self concious one over the self assured, focused model. Well one thing’s for sure, this show isn’t as predictable as i thought it was going to be. I’m 0/2 two weeks in a row now!

Scheming, coniving Malissa played Many for the perfect sap she is. She bombarded Mandy with questions about her feelings for Luke until Mandy turned a foot stomping tantum worthy of any 2 year old. Complete with full on sobs and repeated “LEAVE ME ALONE”s, she left no doubt just how much of an insecure, immature person she really is.

Which is why I’m surprised he picked her over Anna. But then maybe he has a caretaker complex which would make her perfect for him.

This was also the family edition as each girl was taken on a one-on-one date with their family members in tow. Nothing says GREAT DATE! like showing up and finding your parents waiting for you. And Malissa proved that every family, idc where you’re from or what your social status is, every family has at least one white trash relative hanging about. That would be her sister Kat complete with tacky tattoo and bleach blonde hair. Isn’t it also always your scrappiest relative who is quick to down what you have under the guise of “being protective”?

I’m hoping that Tali gets booted next week only because I really want to see Malissa push Mandy completely over the edge because Mandy is no match.

Even given that, I’m completely underwhelmed.

Boy was I wrong about Heather, damn. I really wish that he would’ve given an explanation for why he 86′d her. For Kristian it was BEYOND obvious. Who does that? Who tells a guy she barely knows that she loves him? PSYCHO. (and now I have the Talking Heads running through my head)

I kinda thought that Mandy was gonna go considering how badly she behaved on her group date. She lost her cool and she let Kristian get the best of her. I would’ve given them some time but when they started mackin’ on the dance floor, I would’ve walked right up to them, tapped him on the shoulder and asked to cut in, then smirk at her and all but push her out of the way. If you’re 2 on 1 the only way you can assert yourself some positive attention is to be confident and muscle your way in, not by throwing yourself a pity party in the bathroom.

I think Malissa’s wine country date was hands down the best date so far. It was beautiful, the weather was great, and it just looked like it was a lot of fun. I’m not entirely sure that that’s the kind of place you’d go on your 2nd or 3rd date, it’s a little over the top and maybe just relegated to the dating rich, but then again this is reality tv and it’s not like they’re footing the bill.

I had called Tali and Kristian to go, can’t win ‘em all the time.

Does anyone remember the promo from a couple of weeks ago with one girl just going bananas on another girl with a bouquet of flowers? WTF! Where is that?? I wanna see THAT.

I am so not impressed or amused.

Oh, oh, where to start. Actually, I’m kinda having trouble because they’re not really giving me much to work with here.

Hey, ya’ll! Looks like we got ourselves a new pick up artist!

See the Master at work with such lines as
“This is such a pretty view.”
Heather: “Yeah, *looks out* it is”
“I was talking about you.”

Or how could we forget in the hot tub with Melissa:
“I think I feel a knot right here.”
“Are you a knotty girl?”

idgaf if the last one is really a pun.

But in the end, 2 had to be leaving and I couldn’t have been more happier to see Mel. B and Lauren walk out that door. Although in all honesty I think Luke and Lauren would have been happy together; she is just as big a skeeze as he is.

I really couldn’t take anymore of Mel B, but her exit interview made me like her just a tiny bit. If she can use her experience on this show as a way to spring board her self-esteem and help her see herself in a more positive light then more power to her.

But who’s the real victim of this show? Poor, poor Emme. Oh! To be enslaved by the pits and snares of reality tv! To be held hostage by a neanderthalic nitwit and his harem of heavy weights! Woe, woe is Emme. And in case all of this wasn’t plain enough for you to see with your own eyes, here she is sporting her existential bondage crisis on her sleeve (or around her neck) in the form of a really ugly prisoner like chain necklace.

I’m gonna throwdown right now:

TTTCL PREDICTS RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW, YOUR 2009 ‘MORE TO LOVE’ WINNER IS HEATHER

Stay tuned, America

So since last week’s show was so damn boring here are the challenges I’d like to see since so far it’s all been so lame. The winner, of course, would “win” a one-on-one date with Luke (if you can call that winning):

1. All You Can Eat Old Country Buffet Challenge: Which girl can stuff her face the fastest? Bonus points to the producer who snagged sponsorship
2. Circle the Fat: Old school sorority hazing ritual goes prime time!
3. Blind Item Guess Who: Each contestant writes a blind item about another contestant on a card. They then take turns guessing who in the house the blind item is referring to. Statements like “X is the smelly girl of the house” or “Y’s nappy weave clogged the drain in the upstairs shower” would be highly encouraged.
4. Best Joke: It’s Comedy Cabaret night! Everyone gets all dressed up and whoever hurls the most creative, most tear inducing “You’re so Fat” joke, wins.
5. Brief ‘More to Love’/'The Biggest Loser’ crossover action: Bring in Bob Harper and Jillian Michaels for a grudge match obstacle course show down

Aaannnd then I remember that’s not what this show is “all about”. This show is about “changing stereotypes” and showing that “plus size girls can do it too”. I guess instead of FOX, I should really just tune into VH1 instead.

What challenges would you like to see?